"As if I'd Read You Before," by Maxie Levitan

I opened my eyes from the sliver of sun peeking through the blinds. The clock read 7:48am. I was late for work! “Shoot. Shoot. Shoot” I screamed. It’s a 20 minute walk from my apartment to work and I had to be there at 8:00. I rushed out of my bed, took a fast freezing cold shower, and put on the same bland khakis and sweater I wear everyday to work. I was still shivering from my shower, but I’m honestly used to it by now because my landlord shut down everything, my lights, my stove, and my hot water since I haven’t paid him yet. I live in a four story walk up in a small one bedroom studio apartment in Chicago, Illinois. I live off of ramen packets and cheap vodka I get from the bodega down the street. It’s a pretty sad life if I'm gonna admit it. As I head to the door I get a text from my mom. It reads, “1 year since. Today must be hard for you. If you need anything, call me.” I get confused but then look at the date. January 11, 2025. One year since my divorce with the love of my life. 

Jane Renoylds, formally known as Jane Smith. My wife for 2 years and the love of my life since 2018. I met Jane at the coffee shop I always go to in downtown Chicago. I ordered my usual drink and a beautiful tall blonde sat down next to me. She ordered the same as me and I instantly fell in love. We talked the whole day and night about our lives and the rest is history. Then in December of 2024 Jane decided to pick fights with me over every little thing I did, like talk about my best friend Clover Jones or my money problems. She said I prioritized Clover more than her, but I was just there for Clover when her husband died because that’s what friends are supposed to do. She also told me I didn’t take care of my finances and spent my money on stupid things. I tried so hard to keep a good relationship with her but she kept telling me I wasn’t there for her and didn’t care for her. She then decided to divorce me, so we both moved out of our house and started new lives without each other. I will admit we were very young to get married. Everyone told me I was lucky to leave her because I was too young and she was toxic, but I was madly in love with her, but I’ve recently begun to realize how much she affected my life. 

On my way to work this morning, an ad popped up on my Instagram feed saying, “Everyone should find a Pen Pal. Use this website to connect with someone and find your next soulmate. Even the ones divorced." I hesitated at first, but then the last part really caught me off guard. Maybe it was a sign for me to start to find someone again, so I clicked the link and signed up for a pen pal.

 A few hours later a notification pinged me and it read out the address I had to send my letter to. The only rule was, I’m not allowed to tell them my name. I thought it was weird at first, but I didn’t mind it. That night I picked up a pen and started writing. I don’t really know what I wrote, I just wrote. I haven’t flirted with anyone since Jane and I really didn’t know what to tell a random girl all the way in California. I sealed the envelope and prayed for something to happen from this letter. 

… 

January 11, 2025

My alarm screamed in my ear as I began to wake up. I looked at the time and it read “8:56am” “Shoot” I murmured. I was an hour late to my job and this was the third time this month. I rushed in the shower and put on my uniform. I was the assistant for Celina Propet - the most prestigious fashion designer in America, Canada, and Australia. She was the scariest lady I’ve ever spoken to and I hated her with a passion. I’ve cried 57 times from this job but her money’s the only way my bills get paid so I have no other option. I headed out the door and looked at the date. January 11, 2025. One year since my awful divorce with Maxwell Smith. The cockiest man I’ve ever met but he had the sweetest heart - especially when it came to girls he liked. The only three that mattered to him at least. Me, his mom, and Clover Jones. His girl best friend since 2nd grade. He never prioritized me or cared about me but since the divorce, I realized I haven't truly been happy. I also haven't been on my dating game lately. The last time I went on a date was July in Saint Barths. I went out with some rich married guy but I felt too guilty to do that to his wife and kids so I left the date. 

As I sped walked to work, an ad popped up on my Instagram feed. “Everyone should find a Pen Pal. Use this website to connect with someone and find your next soulmate. Even the ones divorced.” It was weird, felt like a scam website but I was desperate so I typed some information in and hoped for the best. 

January 21, 2025

I got a letter in the mail today. I was confused at first since I didn’t order any packages and there were no birthdays soon. Why would I have a letter? Then I realized. It’s the pen pal letter. On the back it read, “Pen Pal. 3077 West Drive. Chicago, IL.” I laughed a little from the ironic address. The only person I knew in Chicago was Maxwell and the address sounded a lot like his. I don’t fully remember his address though and I think I’m just imagining things. I mean, It would be pretty funny if he had a pen pal. I could never imagine him writing a letter with a pen and a paper. That man is all electronics. I went upstairs, sat on the couch and opened the letter. It read, “Hi. I’m not entirely sure how these things are supposed to begin, so I’ll start just by talking about myself. I’m an economics professor at UIC, which means I spend a lot of time thinking about why people make the choices they do. I enjoy teaching more than I thought I would and I never believed I would be a teacher. Outside of work, I’m pretty lowkey. I like early mornings, coffee, and long conversations about everything and anything. My favorite food is Thai food and my favorite movie is breaking bad. I'm recently divorced, which has been very disorienting, but I really want to  make a connection again—nothing crazy, just something genuine. I don’t know much about you yet, but I’m looking forward to finding out. If you feel like writing back, tell me about yourself. Best, Your pen pal.” My jaw hung wide as I finished the letter. This guy was from Chicago, was an economics professor at UIC, likes Thai and breaking bad, and is recently divorced. This guy was Maxwell. My Maxwell. No. I thought to myself. This can not be happening. I could have gotten any person in the whole country from the pen pal thing and the universe decided to pair me and Maxwell together. I am the least superstitious person but this is a pretty crazy coincidence. This can’t be a coincidence. It must be a sign, a sign me and Maxwell should give our relationship another try. 

I thought long and hard, deciding on what to do. Do I respond? Do I sign up for a new pen pal? Then the idea hit me. I’m going to pretend to be the opposite of myself to see if Maxwell really misses me or just misses the idea of me, and having a wife. So I did what I thought was the most reasonable thing and made a whole new version of myself. Well, at least on paper. 

… 

January 28, 2025

I woke up at 11:53 this morning. I took a long deep breath and got out of bed. I opened the door to see if I got any mail and one letter shocked me. The envelope read “Pen Pal. 2573 Rosewood Lane, Los Angeles, CA.” I realized this was the address I sent my letter to. My pen pal finally responded. For the first time in weeks, I actually kinda smiled. I sat on the couch and opened it. It read, “Hi. You sound like a really nice and personable guy. I am also a professor but I teach math. I just started my new job at Claremont McKenna. An econ professor sounds like a lot of fun to teach. I love to crochet, surf, and do yoga. I’m really into my health journey but I have the biggest sweet tooth. I’m a very easy going person and love to have a little fun once in a while. I’m a very introverted person so I love to stay home and curl up with a good book. I’m newly divorced too and I just want to have some fun and happiness in my life. Sorry I tend to talk a lot. This whole letter thing is kind of awkward for me too but I hope we can chat more. Sincerely, your pen pal.”  Wow. This girl sounded so interesting. She actually sounded fun. Something I need in my life right now. So I picked up a pen and started to write a letter back. 

May 5th, 2025

Me and the mystery girl have been writing to each other for 5 months now. She’s told me so many things about her and every new thing I learn about her makes me fall more in love with her. It sometimes feels wrong to talk about my life, about Jane- the good and bad stuff about her-, but I know Jane is out and dating a new finance trust fund bro every week. She’s so different from Jane and it makes me feel so alive. Mystery girl is a sweet, animal and nature loving, introverted, person. She has a real personality and nothing feels fake. Even though I’ve never spoken to her. I know the second I meet her, my whole life will be turned around. 

Today I ended up sending her a letter that could change everything between us. I asked mystery girl to meet at my favorite cafe in downtown Chicago. It’s actually the cafe where Jane and I first met which feels wrong but I know it’s not. Over the past months I’ve got to thinking, and I realized how much I gave to Jane and how little I received back. Mystery girl seems to genuinely care about me and my feelings. She cares about my interests, my worth ethic, my family, and my friends - even Clover - which is shocking. Jane on the other hand only cared about me when it was convenient for her and everything had to be on her time. I feel like I was under some sort of Jane spell that now I'm out of and finally understand why everyone told me I was in a toxic relationship. Mystery girl feels like a breath of fresh air and I can’t wait to meet her.

… 

May 10th, 2025

Talking to Maxwell feels so wrong and so right at the same time. I’ve asked a lot about Clover because I’m honestly curious if he went out with her yet, but apparently they’re still just friends. Some things just never change I guess. He’s mentioned me in a few letters but I could never mention him or my cover will be blown.  He started off by saying the sweetest things about me and it actually made me miss him. Then things took a turn and he started talking about how I was controlling and toxic. Me, Toxic. I could never. But the things he said about me just made me want to drag this letter thing longer just to make him mad. If  he already thinks I'm a horrible person, then I might as well make myself worse.  

On the way up from work today I opened a letter from him that left me shocked. He asked me to meet him at the cafe where we first met. That traitor! Oh he must be joking. I was here thinking maybe I could take him back but no. He wants to take this imaginary girl I made up for him to a spot where we feel in love. I know it’s stupid to get mad over but something inside me still misses some part of him. I do kinda feel bad for Maxwell though, because he thinks he’s meeting a new girl that he’s obsessed with when it’s really just me. I decided I’m gonna go though, to show Maxwell what he’s missed about me. I booked a flight to Chicago and told him when to meet me. This is gonna be interesting.

… 

May 19th, 2025

I woke up without my alarm today and felt fully rested. Today is the day I meet mystery girl and I must look perfect. I know looks aren’t everything and she has a great personality, but I hope she’s pretty hot. That would be nice. I put on a casual pair of jeans and a plain white shirt. Spray 4 spritz of cologne on me and walk out the door. It’s a 15 minute walk from my house but I decided not to take public transportation because I need to mentally prepare myself for when I see her. I haven’t been on a date in so long and I’m getting nervous. What do I say when I get there? What should I show her in Chicago? A million questions rush through my head but I remind myself this girl is meeting me for the first time too and probably feels the same way. I take out my phone, check the time, and take one more good look at myself. It’s 12:15. I’m exactly on time. I take a long deep breath to steady myself  and walk into the restaurant. 

I see a girl with long golden hair on her phone. I’m assuming that's her, so I walk up to her and tap her on the shoulder. As she whips her head around I almost faint at the sight. My eyes widen and my stomach drops. I try to get my words together but they’re all jumbled. 

“Jane! What are you doing here right now” is all I manage to say. 

Jane just lets out a little giggle and then says, “Hi pen pal.”